Sometimes I feel like there are forces in life that are completely out of my control... nature, other people etc. But sometimes, I think I'm too complacemnt to control the things in my life that are under my control. I hate my job. I hate it so much that I've started getting that stomach thing where I get really bad heartburn, and migraines. I want to find something new so bad, I'm willing to work at Wal-mart... really. At least they have benefits. I am a person, not a fucking body to answer the phone. My name is Meredith, not "one of the temps." I treat people with respect. EVERYONE gets respect from me, I don't care if you drive a porsche or a focus, you're no better than me, and no worse than me. I feel kind of guilty because I've struck up a friendship with the girl that cleans bathrooms at work and she says she has tried to get hired on for an "office job" with my company for a while. I just want to say, "You are so much better than this place." But instead, I tell her who to talk to, who to give her application to, etc. This place jades you. I feel like I'm always on the brink! Like, what the fuck do these shitbags know about my life, where I'm from, WHO I am. I am a number... Instead of name tag on my cubicle, I have a number. No shit!
I am an honest person. Brutally honest. I expect that from others too. I take responsibility for my shit. I know I fuck up, everyone does. But I'm just tired of going through the motions, you know? Like, is this what life is for the rest of my life? I'm the happiest person, truly the happiest, I know... I've never been very serious about things. But right now, my job is draining me.
Why can't people do good instead of evil? Why can't people look at their own mistakes instead of everyone else's? Why can't people build people up instead of tearing them down? I'm just tired of it. I'm tired of all the materialism, and global warming and everything.
Life is just too short for this shit. Sometimes I sit at work and think about the fact that one of my family members could be in a car accident, or have a heart attack... My eyes well up thinking about it! What if Brandon died? Oh my god! I think my heart would explode. I just don't feel like I have enough time on earth to feel like this. I was sitting thinking today, "I love fall... but it's only once a year. Eighty falls in my whole life? It's not fucking fair." I know a lot about healthcare now, and fear of forces of nature is a TOTAL sign of schizophrenia and bipolar disorder. I've just spent a lot of time worrying about petty shit... really petty shit. I love my family, I love Brandon, I'm happy! So happy! But damn, this job is horrible. I've got to change it.
Posted by scurvylime
at 9:09 PM CDT
