Can you say "manic?" (... cause I can sing it in an angel voice..)
OK... so I've been really down about my job lately. I've hated my life. I've been totally kicking my ass for not going straight to grad school. I finlly got hired on today (woo hoo!) My official start date (in writing) is Monday. My insurance still won't start for a while, but that's ok.

Also, I was eating an apple at my desk today, and for some reason that apple smelled like a whole orchard (it was particularly fragrant). I thought I was going to explode! Does anyone realize that the real start of the fall season is less than one month away? I'm serious! Aug. 1st is the true beginning for the fall celebration.

My fourth of July weekend was ok. I just get really pissed when I feel like I go out of my way to make sure everyone is having fun, and doing fun stuff and then everyone makes fun of my messy room, dirty house, etc. The previous rant-filled posting was in no way about one person... basically it was about everyone in my proximity. I'm kind of done making sure everything is normal or fun... it's someone else's turn. Brandon and I are having secret sexy date night on Friday, so that will be fun and I will go out of my way to make that nice. Other than that, I'm all about number one, baby.

Have you ever tried to help someone out, and given them all this advice, and then they don't take any of it? Have you ever busted your ass so other people can have a good time and then you just get shit on in the end? Have you ever felt like you're ALWAYS the one pushing everyone/everything forward and then when it's time for someone else to start pushing, no one pushes? yeah... I'm totally there.

Schizophrenic Ramblings... and a Few Real Ideas
Sometimes I feel like there are forces in life that are completely out of my control... nature, other people etc. But sometimes, I think I'm too complacemnt to control the things in my life that are under my control. I hate my job. I hate it so much that I've started getting that stomach thing where I get really bad heartburn, and migraines. I want to find something new so bad, I'm willing to work at Wal-mart... really. At least they have benefits. I am a person, not a fucking body to answer the phone. My name is Meredith, not "one of the temps." I treat people with respect. EVERYONE gets respect from me, I don't care if you drive a porsche or a focus, you're no better than me, and no worse than me. I feel kind of guilty because I've struck up a friendship with the girl that cleans bathrooms at work and she says she has tried to get hired on for an "office job" with my company for a while. I just want to say, "You are so much better than this place." But instead, I tell her who to talk to, who to give her application to, etc. This place jades you. I feel like I'm always on the brink! Like, what the fuck do these shitbags know about my life, where I'm from, WHO I am. I am a number... Instead of name tag on my cubicle, I have a number. No shit!

I am an honest person. Brutally honest. I expect that from others too. I take responsibility for my shit. I know I fuck up, everyone does. But I'm just tired of going through the motions, you know? Like, is this what life is for the rest of my life? I'm the happiest person, truly the happiest, I know... I've never been very serious about things. But right now, my job is draining me.

Why can't people do good instead of evil? Why can't people look at their own mistakes instead of everyone else's? Why can't people build people up instead of tearing them down? I'm just tired of it. I'm tired of all the materialism, and global warming and everything.

Life is just too short for this shit. Sometimes I sit at work and think about the fact that one of my family members could be in a car accident, or have a heart attack... My eyes well up thinking about it! What if Brandon died? Oh my god! I think my heart would explode. I just don't feel like I have enough time on earth to feel like this. I was sitting thinking today, "I love fall... but it's only once a year. Eighty falls in my whole life? It's not fucking fair." I know a lot about healthcare now, and fear of forces of nature is a TOTAL sign of schizophrenia and bipolar disorder. I've just spent a lot of time worrying about petty shit... really petty shit. I love my family, I love Brandon, I'm happy! So happy! But damn, this job is horrible. I've got to change it.

Bloggin' for Cash
Now Playing: "Pure Morning," Placebo
I've recently been toying with the idea of setting up a local entertainment blog, potentially for money but always for entertainment. Here's my thought: Springfield has a pretty extensive nightlife, depending on what you want to do. Illinois Times *kind of* covers a few topics, but they don't really hit the cool spots. What I would love to do, is set up an entertainment blog for Springfield, IL that had like a schedule, drink specials, entertainment acts, etc. in the Springfield area. Once we got a few hits going, we'd sell ad space to local bars/nightlife/papers/etc. Here's why I think it works:

1.) As I've said before, Springfield really doesn't have that much of an entertainment website anyway. The young crowd don't read sj-r.com, and the hip crowd only reads illinoistimes.com.
2.) There's tons of stuff to do in this town, if you know where to look. Plus, there's a lot of eclectic stuff happening around here like cowboy bars, metal clubs, and shuffle board (lots of shuffle board).
3.) Springfield is a very working class town. Working class people love booze (I know I do...) so why not improve people's enjoyment of it by saving them money?
4.) Let's name the colleges, universities in the area: Illinois State University Springfield, Illinois College, MacMurray College, Lincoln Land Community College, Springfield College, Robert Morris College, Milikin University... have I missed any? Who uses the internet most? College students.

Anyway, I'm still toying with this, and I'd have to see what site host I'd go through... but I'm really thinking this might be a cool idea.

Back in Business...
So I've been gone for a while. A lot has happened in my life since my last blog post. I'm not ready to discuss everything now, because all the rehashing will make me hungry. Instead, I'm going to do a love/hate list that will make everyone happy!

Love:
-Coppertone Gradual Tan: this shit beats mystic with a big fat, wooden stick.
-The Bravery "honest mistake" Seriously, I don't know when British pop went out (uh... Spice Girls) but it is totally back ,and I fucking love it!
-Tostidos "light" chips: apparently they don't make you shit your brains out anymore because they're not friend in Olean... just Olestra. Whatever
-Jewelry Television: they make my list because NO ONE IS SKINNY! Rock on JTV!
-ALDI: They employ most of their workers full time, and save us money with no TV ads, mag ads, or carts in the parking lot.
-Stichpixie.com: Finally someone out there concerned with charity and recycling.
-Alcohol fueled rages about politics.
-Law and Order.
-B.Y.O.B. System of a Down: Stick it to the man, mother fuckers! You rock!


Hate:
-Katie Holmes, Tom Cruise... very disturbing
-Senate approval to expand Patriot Act... I guarantee in three months every Democratic Senator will be bitching that they, "didn't know what was included in the scope ot the expansion." Read the fucking bill, dumbasses! Where did these people go to law school?
-Baby blogs: I just can't do it anymore.
-"Best day of my life..."-weddings.
-Fat Free Cheese: What's the point?
-Lindsay Lohan: Eat a snack, quit your job if you hate it so much, and get your implants back... really.

Ok... hopefully that was fun and exciting for everyone. In addition to my usual love/hate rant I'll recap a few major life things that have happened. I moved out officially. I now live in my own apartment. I also have a job. I dont make much money, and I've totally sold my soul to the corporate devil, but hey, what can you do, right? Brandon also lives here and we're thinking of having a baby... Or spending all our money on booze and entertainment. Come visit us, and you'll know which choice we've made.

Hopefully this post finds everyone happy, healthy and sexy. Cross your fingers for a new post soon!

"You look thirsty..."
I've recently been accused of being an alcohol pusher. I'm not saying that this is untrue, but until you meet Pete (jen's husband) you don't even know what a pusher is. Not that he wouldn't stop if someone really didn't want to drink, he just knows everyone wants to (and should) drink copius amounts of alcohol.

Anyway, this weekend we went home (for like, the umpteenth time because Brandon and an eye appointment) and I wanted to go out for my birthday. So, Brandon and I decided we'd go out either road tripping around Smeff or to the bars. It turned out that Brian was also home, so we asked him if he wanted to go out with us. Of course, he obliged and we went to Sneaky Pete's, the requisite Smeff bar. Brian is a lamer when it comes to drinking. He sipped his drink like it was toilet water or something. After I had had a few at the bar I told Brian he could not say another word at the table until he finished his drink... He did, and then got another one.

We went back to Brandon's house after we were at Pete's (there was a bachelor auction there anyway... lame) and I stopped the liquor store on the way there and picked up... you guess it... the Captain. In an ode to my long lost friend Becca, me and the Captain had a lovely evening at Brandon's house. Brian and the Captain had a nice night too, because Brian was totally wasted by like, 10pm. I was mixing shots of 1/2 Captain and 1/2 coke, and Brain spit his all over the table and Brandon... Very entertaining.

But, the point of this was not to get Brian totally shitfaced and watch him do stupid stuff... no. The point was that Brandon and Brian are hanging out now, Brian is telling us things, we're all becoming better friends. Anyway, it was a good time, and I can't wait to watch Brian do more funny stuff next time we're home.

Birthday Thoughts...
It's my birthday today. Twenty-two years ago, I was born. When I think too hard about my birthday I get teary because I am just so happy.

I have the best life right now. I said I had the best life when I was 21, but I'm ammending that this year. I have a college education. I have a job that pays enough for me to have an apartment, and eat food, and go out for drinks occasionally. I have great family that make me buck-fucking-crazy sometimes, but they're really great.

I have the most awesome boyfriend. He loves me for who I am and he never says to lose weight, or try and look prettier, or any of that shit. He's just really down to earth and matter of fact about life, which is not always my style.... But it does compliment my style most of the time.

I just can't imagine being happier about my life than I am right now. I think back to highschool and how miserable my birthdays were then. I'm not going to get into blame, and who did what. I just had a horrible time. And I think all that anger would eat me alive if I didn't just stop and think, "You know... sometimes people really ARE trying to do what's best, even if it's the worst thing they could do." I still think about it and get upset, but I'm kind of a believer in The Good Samaritan Clause. You know that thing where if you aren't a medical professional, and you try and save someone's live, and end up hurting them worse, you're not liable. I think there's some validity in that for emotional relationships.

Anyway, It's all behind me. I only have great things to look forward to. I can't imagine that being 23 will be better than 22 is, but it always seems to get better. SO THANKS EVERYONE, FOR HELPING ME GET TO 22 AND TO TOTAL HAPPINESS!

Special thanks to Carrie and Jen: for grades 5-12

Score!
I bought a fabulous new green sweater yesterday. Plus, my sick addiction to thrift stores has been renewed. Yes, I feel off the wagon, but this time I actually bought something I will wear to work! It's a lime green sweater (add a little black to the lime to make a darker hue, but still lime green). it has the kind of sleeves that you cuff up. I cuffed them the whole way to make it 3/4 sleeve for spring. It also has a 6" or 7" cuff at the bottom so it hides my "pooch". Very cool.

Best of all, it was $6, but the "upscale thrift" store I visited was having a 50% clearance sale! $3.23 with tax for this awesome little sweater! THey have tons of stuff there, and go up to a size 30. Awesome. Plus furniture, although it is a little high priced for me. I'll be visiting again soon (hopefully with more money...).

I think if I were formally evaluated by a clinical psychiatrist, I would probably be diagnosed with some form of paranoia or something. Lately, I've realy been thinking about what is important to me in life. Not even that so much as thinking about how the forces of nature that are beyond my control are horrifying...

We only get about 80 years to live on this earth. I am a true believer in heaven and hell, God and the devil, right and wrong... But I also believe that there is a gray area. Did all those children go to hell when they were killed by tsunami, simply because they didn't believe in, or know about, Jesus Christ? Does the government really have the right to take the live of someone they believe has taken the life of someone else? I think a lot of these questions, I'm afraid to answer, and that's part of my "liberal" ideology. WHAT IF we convict a man or woman who was innocent and they are put to death. WHAT IF we pull food stamps away from a family who desperately needs them, and suffers serious consequences as a result?

I am not closed minded to other points of view. I thin that taking the life of another human being is very, very wrong. The worst kind of wrong. But what if the person who pulls the plug goes home and smokes in a small house with their wife/husband and kids? They're purposefully endangering their spouse and children's life too. No I don't like the idea of abortion. But what if a girl is raped at 14, after her first period and finds out she's pregnant because the dose of birth control the hospital gave her doesn't work. I know these are ideas that are not regular occurences.

I just sometimes feel like the world is out of control. We've totally lost sight of what is important and what's not. Candidates attach themselves less and less to one issue or another because they want to "appeal" to all the voters. People without money can no longer speak their minds when they are faced with opposition because our media outlets are becoming more and more centralized. Advertisers LIE to American citizens in order to make a buck. Drug companies manipulate numbers and hide studies that show their drugs are dangerous and cause serious side effects because they want their drug on the market.

I respect capitalism. I respect that Sam Walton had a dream, and made it happen. I feel the same way about Ray Croc. I enjoy the benefits of capitalism daily, so to criticize it would be wrong of me. I respect pro-life advocates who think that abortion is a sin because it murders children that so many people in the world would love to adopt. I respect pro-death penalty politicians and activists because I think they want peace for victim's families and they want to keep these criminals from ever hurting anyone again.

I just also believe in a gray area. I'm not saying that there's no "gray area" in conservative America. I'm sure there are issues that many conservatives dissent on as well. I think it might just be a personality difference.

I would rather have nine people take advantage of me, and have one person appreciate and cherish my aid, than turn away all ten, and watch one of them suffer. When I meet St. Peter at the gate, I hope that he says, "Meredith, you really cared about people. You helped them, you sometimes made fun of them, but you tried your best to treat others as you wanted to be treated. You may enter."

Low-Carb Ramblings...
B: "Ok, here's my idea. I want a chocolate unicorn that I can break its horn off and eat it!"

M: "Yeah... wait, what the fuck?"

B: "And I also want a Harry Potter wand made out of chocolate that I can eat. Isn't that a great idea?"

M: "uh... yeah."

B: "That's what I thought."